10 Things: Video Games

I've created 10 video games. If you or someone you know is a rich video game production type person then let's all work towards getting me lots of money, cars and dates. If you don't help me become rich then the terrorists have already won.



- Grand Theft Childhood Innocence: Vatican City

- Future Freedom Force Flag Squad of America Vs. Giant Death Robots With Lazer Eyes And Turbans: The Official Game of The Movie (brought to you by the RNC)

- Kobe Bryant's Pro Rapist

- 50 Cent: How I Can Further Degrade My Own People Or Die Tryin' (Civil Rights Edition featuring Martin Luther King as "The Man")

- Paris Hilton's Pro Look At My Cooch

- Terrorist Flight Simulator 4.0

- The Diary Of Anne Frank: The Official Game Of The Book

- "Wazzzup!": The Official Game Of The Saying

- Che Guevera's T-Shirt Army For Capitalism Vs. Education

- To X-Tremez: Special Edition with a word spelt with an "X", and a "Z" where there should be an "S"!!! Kewl! (Like the text-message, not the temperature)

Old News, But Good News About What God Is Doing Today

"This is not a war against Islam." - George W. Bush

I don't care much for Islam. That being said I don't care much for Christianity or Judaism either. They are blockades preventing us from traveling down the road of Scientology, paved by our one true prophet and kickass sci-fi novelist, L. Ron Hubbard. Just kidding. Fact is I don't care for organised religion at all. So, needless to say, I'm not entirely pleased to have been thrust smack in the middle of a war of faiths the rational equivalent of which would resemble children fighting over the ethnicity of the tooth fairy. Since the beginning of this war of wizards the US president has reassured the world on several occasions that the conflict is not motivated by religion, but rather a battle for freedom. Well, this morning I was reminded of something I'd heard a couple years past regarding the "news" organisation that had been contracted to support and co-create the muslim world's first American based television and radio news stations in Iraq. The organisation's name is The Grace News Network and it is headed by a man named Thorne G. Auchter. Sounds fair, but the Grace News Network's mission statement, I shit you not, is this: "To change the news to reflect the Kingdom of God and his purposes and to proclaim the good news about what God is doing today." So, these are the cats contracted to give a Muslim nation it's news, by order of the United States government who, as we all know, simply want to "free" the world.

Here's a link to an old Alternet article from May, 2003 in regards to the story above. Though it is old news, I'm sure most of you can agree that it's still entirely relevant given the continuing violence.

In relation to this I'm curious as to how the Grace New Network and Thorne Auchter contact their news source. I've sent a letter to Mr. Auchter, but as per usual I don't expect a response.

Dear Mr. Auchter,

I'd like to thank you for bringing us all the good lord's news. Prior to your network's establishment I was a Chaplain in the First Church of Jew Baby Eaters, New York, 5th district and I'll save you the details, but my practices weren't entirely what I'd now consider morally sound. However, thanks to your acting as a satellite beacon to God and bringing us his news daily, I've been able to find my true calling as an investigative journalist. Though I'm actively pursuing this new carreer, I find that my sources are somewhat limited to, you know, the Bible and my latest story on the unicorns' denial of passage on Noah's Ark finds me stuck at a factual roadblock. I know that journalistic integrity prevents those like you and I from revealing our sources, but I'd figured since you've already widely announced your source as being God you could provide me with his number that I might be able to put the confusion to rest once and for all. My investigation has thus far lead me to believe that the unicorns' phallus shaped horns were a constant reminder to Noah of what he believed to be his failing as a man, driving him nearly to madness and causing him to take vengeance on the fair creatures by denying them their place on the Ark. I've numerous evidence to support this claim, but without a reliable source to confirm it I'm afraid the theory might not be taken seriously. Noah has neglected to return my calls. Your support in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Thanking you in advance,
Kevin N. Burke

P.S. I've a pretty good long distance plan through Sprint, but it mainly covers calls within North America. Should you decide to take me up on my offer could you perhaps give me an approximate idea of what I'd be looking at in terms of charges for, let's say, a five minute call to Heaven? This job doesn't pay much.

R.I.P. Brad Will

NYC Indymedia journalist William Bradley was murdered by the Mexican government this past friday while covering the APPO (Peoples Popular Assembly of Oaxaca)take over of Oaxaca City and the ever escalating violent government response resulting from it. He was 36 years old. This story, though wholely relevant to many of the matters facing North America as a continent (i.e. border policies, etc.), has been excluded from the pages of many major newspapers and the teleprompters of bleach-toothed, happiness salesmen on major television news networks, as has the Oaxaca incident as a whole. For further information, you can read about it here, here, and read Brad Will's last written piece on the incident here.

Walk That Parkinson's Disease Off, Michael J. Fox

Now there are a great number of things I'd rather do than listen to Rush Limbaugh. Castrate myself, for instance, or finger induce the likely explosive cleansing of Carlos Mencia's colon while watching an all musical episode of "According To Jim" with an original score by a Nickleback/Puddle of Mudd side project. However today I found it very difficult to ignore Rush, being that he seems to have swallowed up the American news networks whole. Now, more often than not I'd just be pissed to see networks wasting time with this type of bullshit, non-issue gossip, but this instance really does speak volumes about Rush Limbaugh's character (or lack thereof), so I figured I'd mention it.
You see, actor Michael J. Fox, who most of you no doubt know has Parkinson's Disease, appeared in a television ad endorsing Claire McCaskill who is running in the upcoming U.S. election for Senator of Missouri. In the ad Fox urges voters to cast their ballot for McCaskill stating that her opponent stands against stem cell research, a practice that might very well someday be able to cure a number of diseases like Parkinson's.



Now, Limbaugh, being the ever insensitive, fundamentalist, right-wing, steaming piece of diseased rodent shit that he is, immediately attacked Michael J. Fox claiming;

"Michael J. Fox should be ashamed of himself for using his disease to mislead voters...he was either off his medication or he was acting. He is an actor, after all."

Limbaugh ofcourse, refering to Michael J. Fox's shaking so much in the ad, claiming that it was exaggerated. What a fuckin' douchebag for the ages.


Dear Rush,

Fight on you patriot soldier. There are far too few of those like yourself these days who are willing to stick up for Americans in the face of weak, crippled freedom hating disease victims. I salute you, sir. Michael J. Fox was clearly faking those symptoms (quite poorly in my opinion) in order to garner sympathy from the viewers. Viewers who might believe that Parkinson's Disease is anything other than the magical funhouse of happy thoughts and increased energy that you and I both know it to be. Michael J. Fox pretending that his condition is in some way incapacitating or difficult to bear is an insult to the American public. It should be made widely known that the primary symptom of Parkinson's Disease is a multiple orgasm twice every hour and not some silly fidgeting and Ray Charles like head bobbing. The fact that this incident is being widely reported does bring me some hope however. Should your report act as a journalistic precident then perhaps someday we can break the lid off of the African people's willfull practices of Anorexia and Bulimia which is used to much the same sympathy soliciting purpose in Amnesty International ads. Everyone knows you're faking it, Africa!

Yours,
Kevin N. Burke

P.S. Also, tell those autistic mother fuckers that they aren't fooling anyone either. Punk ass bitches.

Red, White And Whiter!!! (A Message To American Voters)

Dear US Citizens,

Do you want to die? Do you want your children to be attacked while they sleep by Islamo-facist-terrero-terrorists of terror? Do you want the "free" taken out of your "freedom" making it nothing more than a "dom" and than an "e" added to the end in order to make it a "dome", as in "Dome of No More Freedom"? No? Well neither do your friends in the Republican Party. The Democrats however want to gay-marry Osama Bin Laden at a flag-burning, inter-racial godless ceremony taking place in front of an abortion clinic where they plan on resurrecting Adolf Hitler to act as best man. So please, this November 7th, unless you love Osama Bin Laden and want to have terrorist babies with him that will no doubt grow up to conduct stem cell research, vote Republican.

Thank you and God Bless America,
Kevin N. Burke.

P.S. The Democrats fuel their anti-Americanistismication by drinking blended puppy/baby smoothy shakes...of terror.

The Most Entertaining Entertainment On Television!

I was watching the news again today for some not yet explained reason that's yet to be self-explained to me by myself, but that's redundant. I was watching the theatrical re-enactment of life unfold right before my eyes. It was like a Michael Bay wetdream of disaster and tragedy and romance and drama and scandal with lazers all the colors of the rainbow (except for the gay colors, those are for fags) hitting a mirrorball spinning at 400,000rpm before it explodes firing bite-sized shrapnel that's fun for the whole family the length of the room. It was exhaustingly exciting. Fortunately the commercial time reminded me that I was thirsty and also that Zap-core, supercharged, caffeine free, ultra caffeinated, speed fueled energy drink would rehydrate me while giving me the super-sonic, funkified, ultra-x-tastic spark I'd need to get through my day with enough energy left over to beat my girlfriend and run 12 marathons to the moon. Sweet, sweet freedom. Then the news is back, kicking my teeth out with celebrity public interest stories. "Will Paris Hilton get into some more wacky trouble?" Holy fuck, man! I don't know! Will she?! We'd better keep a close eye on her. The news is awesome. So I'm writting CNN a letter.

Dear CNN,
I love your show. It's awesome. I was hooked after just one episode and I got some of my friends to check it out too. Every thursday night we get together and watch it. Jeff always brings snacks, but the rest of us kinda feel bad cause we never bring any snacks, you know, and we'd hate for him to spend all his money all time cause he works at Wal-Mart so we're going to pool some cash together next week to pay him back even though he'll probably just keep bringing snacks. Oh well, you know how it is. We're all really digging the episodes you guys have written up this year though. My buddy Bob thinks that you guys are going to have the U.S. invade Iran for the season finale, but I was thinking that you guys already used that story in season 2 for the Iraq thing so you'll probably just cook something new up. I think you should have Paris Hilton do something crazy cause she's my favorite character. Hey, also, we were wondering if you guys got a bigger budget this year cause the pyrotechnics seem to have gotten way better. Shawn says that maybe you guys were able to save a bunch of cash because you no longer have to pay all those actors who played the soldiers you killed off in Iraq. How are you guys able to do that anyway? I mean you'd figure those guys would want 4 season contracts at the least. Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that all the work you put into this show is greatly appreciated. You guys'll never get cancelled.

Kevin N. Burke


P.S. Hey, what's with those wacky Africans? Will they never learn? Awesome characters! Thumbs up!

Of Deja Vu And Manacured Lawns

Growing up in the suburbs only to fight to become a respectable member of society as you get older is like standing at the end of a cul de sac, bags packed, thumb out, holding a cardboard sign that reads "Here". Chew on that, Socrates. Also, when my revolt against rationality is through you're next, hope. You smug son of a bitch.

What A Waste Of Good Drugs

So NATO troops in Afghanistan have decided that their top priority should be the burning of poppy crops throughout the war torn nation. Brilliant idea. Put further Afghan citizens out of their only source of income and send them running to join the Taliban opposition. The reason for this gold medal winning decision in the Military Planing Special Olympics is that much of the harvested poppy crops in Afghanistan go to creating heroin which in turn funds the terrorist activities of the Taliban. This allegation is ridiculous in that the nations comprising NATO could much more cheaply use diplomatic measures to put pressure on the Afghan government to ensure that the poppy crops are monitored and made to only export in the interest of creating a great number of legal drugs used in hospitals the world over such as Morphine and Methadone. The destruction of these crops is nothing more than an extention of the US governments ridiculous war on drugs, as evidence by the latest incident in which NATO soldiers eradicated numerous fields of Marijuana (a drug which is completely legal in Afghanistan). The reason given for the waxing of weed plants was the same given for the poppy crops, "it funds terrorist activities". When's the last fucking time your friend called you up and told you that he just picked up an ounce of some bad ass Afghani chronic?