R.I.P. Brad Will

NYC Indymedia journalist William Bradley was murdered by the Mexican government this past friday while covering the APPO (Peoples Popular Assembly of Oaxaca)take over of Oaxaca City and the ever escalating violent government response resulting from it. He was 36 years old. This story, though wholely relevant to many of the matters facing North America as a continent (i.e. border policies, etc.), has been excluded from the pages of many major newspapers and the teleprompters of bleach-toothed, happiness salesmen on major television news networks, as has the Oaxaca incident as a whole. For further information, you can read about it here, here, and read Brad Will's last written piece on the incident here.

Walk That Parkinson's Disease Off, Michael J. Fox

Now there are a great number of things I'd rather do than listen to Rush Limbaugh. Castrate myself, for instance, or finger induce the likely explosive cleansing of Carlos Mencia's colon while watching an all musical episode of "According To Jim" with an original score by a Nickleback/Puddle of Mudd side project. However today I found it very difficult to ignore Rush, being that he seems to have swallowed up the American news networks whole. Now, more often than not I'd just be pissed to see networks wasting time with this type of bullshit, non-issue gossip, but this instance really does speak volumes about Rush Limbaugh's character (or lack thereof), so I figured I'd mention it.
You see, actor Michael J. Fox, who most of you no doubt know has Parkinson's Disease, appeared in a television ad endorsing Claire McCaskill who is running in the upcoming U.S. election for Senator of Missouri. In the ad Fox urges voters to cast their ballot for McCaskill stating that her opponent stands against stem cell research, a practice that might very well someday be able to cure a number of diseases like Parkinson's.



Now, Limbaugh, being the ever insensitive, fundamentalist, right-wing, steaming piece of diseased rodent shit that he is, immediately attacked Michael J. Fox claiming;

"Michael J. Fox should be ashamed of himself for using his disease to mislead voters...he was either off his medication or he was acting. He is an actor, after all."

Limbaugh ofcourse, refering to Michael J. Fox's shaking so much in the ad, claiming that it was exaggerated. What a fuckin' douchebag for the ages.


Dear Rush,

Fight on you patriot soldier. There are far too few of those like yourself these days who are willing to stick up for Americans in the face of weak, crippled freedom hating disease victims. I salute you, sir. Michael J. Fox was clearly faking those symptoms (quite poorly in my opinion) in order to garner sympathy from the viewers. Viewers who might believe that Parkinson's Disease is anything other than the magical funhouse of happy thoughts and increased energy that you and I both know it to be. Michael J. Fox pretending that his condition is in some way incapacitating or difficult to bear is an insult to the American public. It should be made widely known that the primary symptom of Parkinson's Disease is a multiple orgasm twice every hour and not some silly fidgeting and Ray Charles like head bobbing. The fact that this incident is being widely reported does bring me some hope however. Should your report act as a journalistic precident then perhaps someday we can break the lid off of the African people's willfull practices of Anorexia and Bulimia which is used to much the same sympathy soliciting purpose in Amnesty International ads. Everyone knows you're faking it, Africa!

Yours,
Kevin N. Burke

P.S. Also, tell those autistic mother fuckers that they aren't fooling anyone either. Punk ass bitches.

Red, White And Whiter!!! (A Message To American Voters)

Dear US Citizens,

Do you want to die? Do you want your children to be attacked while they sleep by Islamo-facist-terrero-terrorists of terror? Do you want the "free" taken out of your "freedom" making it nothing more than a "dom" and than an "e" added to the end in order to make it a "dome", as in "Dome of No More Freedom"? No? Well neither do your friends in the Republican Party. The Democrats however want to gay-marry Osama Bin Laden at a flag-burning, inter-racial godless ceremony taking place in front of an abortion clinic where they plan on resurrecting Adolf Hitler to act as best man. So please, this November 7th, unless you love Osama Bin Laden and want to have terrorist babies with him that will no doubt grow up to conduct stem cell research, vote Republican.

Thank you and God Bless America,
Kevin N. Burke.

P.S. The Democrats fuel their anti-Americanistismication by drinking blended puppy/baby smoothy shakes...of terror.

The Most Entertaining Entertainment On Television!

I was watching the news again today for some not yet explained reason that's yet to be self-explained to me by myself, but that's redundant. I was watching the theatrical re-enactment of life unfold right before my eyes. It was like a Michael Bay wetdream of disaster and tragedy and romance and drama and scandal with lazers all the colors of the rainbow (except for the gay colors, those are for fags) hitting a mirrorball spinning at 400,000rpm before it explodes firing bite-sized shrapnel that's fun for the whole family the length of the room. It was exhaustingly exciting. Fortunately the commercial time reminded me that I was thirsty and also that Zap-core, supercharged, caffeine free, ultra caffeinated, speed fueled energy drink would rehydrate me while giving me the super-sonic, funkified, ultra-x-tastic spark I'd need to get through my day with enough energy left over to beat my girlfriend and run 12 marathons to the moon. Sweet, sweet freedom. Then the news is back, kicking my teeth out with celebrity public interest stories. "Will Paris Hilton get into some more wacky trouble?" Holy fuck, man! I don't know! Will she?! We'd better keep a close eye on her. The news is awesome. So I'm writting CNN a letter.

Dear CNN,
I love your show. It's awesome. I was hooked after just one episode and I got some of my friends to check it out too. Every thursday night we get together and watch it. Jeff always brings snacks, but the rest of us kinda feel bad cause we never bring any snacks, you know, and we'd hate for him to spend all his money all time cause he works at Wal-Mart so we're going to pool some cash together next week to pay him back even though he'll probably just keep bringing snacks. Oh well, you know how it is. We're all really digging the episodes you guys have written up this year though. My buddy Bob thinks that you guys are going to have the U.S. invade Iran for the season finale, but I was thinking that you guys already used that story in season 2 for the Iraq thing so you'll probably just cook something new up. I think you should have Paris Hilton do something crazy cause she's my favorite character. Hey, also, we were wondering if you guys got a bigger budget this year cause the pyrotechnics seem to have gotten way better. Shawn says that maybe you guys were able to save a bunch of cash because you no longer have to pay all those actors who played the soldiers you killed off in Iraq. How are you guys able to do that anyway? I mean you'd figure those guys would want 4 season contracts at the least. Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that all the work you put into this show is greatly appreciated. You guys'll never get cancelled.

Kevin N. Burke


P.S. Hey, what's with those wacky Africans? Will they never learn? Awesome characters! Thumbs up!

Of Deja Vu And Manacured Lawns

Growing up in the suburbs only to fight to become a respectable member of society as you get older is like standing at the end of a cul de sac, bags packed, thumb out, holding a cardboard sign that reads "Here". Chew on that, Socrates. Also, when my revolt against rationality is through you're next, hope. You smug son of a bitch.

What A Waste Of Good Drugs

So NATO troops in Afghanistan have decided that their top priority should be the burning of poppy crops throughout the war torn nation. Brilliant idea. Put further Afghan citizens out of their only source of income and send them running to join the Taliban opposition. The reason for this gold medal winning decision in the Military Planing Special Olympics is that much of the harvested poppy crops in Afghanistan go to creating heroin which in turn funds the terrorist activities of the Taliban. This allegation is ridiculous in that the nations comprising NATO could much more cheaply use diplomatic measures to put pressure on the Afghan government to ensure that the poppy crops are monitored and made to only export in the interest of creating a great number of legal drugs used in hospitals the world over such as Morphine and Methadone. The destruction of these crops is nothing more than an extention of the US governments ridiculous war on drugs, as evidence by the latest incident in which NATO soldiers eradicated numerous fields of Marijuana (a drug which is completely legal in Afghanistan). The reason given for the waxing of weed plants was the same given for the poppy crops, "it funds terrorist activities". When's the last fucking time your friend called you up and told you that he just picked up an ounce of some bad ass Afghani chronic?

Man of the Year Sucks! (A Film Review)

Ok, so I applied for a gig writing film reviews for an on-line magazine. They requested a short description of my interests and whatever, as well as a short review of something recent. So I went out last night and treated myself to Hollywood's latest malignant tumor, Man of the Year. Here's the review I sent to the magazine.



Man of the Year
by Kevin Burke

When the politi-comedy band wagon passed in front of his home drawn by the horses of popular dissent and comical punditry and coached by the likes of Jon Stewart and Bill Maher, renowned filmmaker Barry Levison was quick to hail a ride. Though as evidenced by his latest picture, Man of the Year, it would seem as though he failed to pack for the trip. The film most closely resembled, to me, your radical activist friend who shares your political views but makes them known by burning down an SUV dealership. His heart is in the right place, but his delivery of opinion is so foolishly crafted that it actually works to discredit your cause. Man of the Year is heartbreaking in that it has the opportunity to say so much, based on it's foundation of truth and desire to fix a flawed democracy, but loses any and all credibility when it seems to run into trouble deciding exactly which type of film it would like to be.

The film opens to a needless narrative by Jack Menken (Christopher Walken), manager an mentor of famed comedy news program host Tom Dobbs (Robin Williams), in which he details the steps leading up to Dobbs' becoming President of the United States. This first quarter of the film, though it provides little to no actual character development and seems to only serve as a vehicle with which to allow Robin Williams to stretch his manic muscle, is the most entertaining and includes a fantastic scene in which Dobbs takes part in a televised debate with the incumbent President and the opposition party leader. This scene takes place approximately 25 minutes into Man of the Year and is the last enjoyable scene in the film, which shortly thereafter becomes what can only be described as a Dramatic Political Romantic Comedy Thriller. If it sounds weird that's because it is. You see, Eleanor Green (Laura Linney) works for the company who developed the electronic voting machines used in the election. After she discovers that a flaw in their software has resulted in Dobbs being falsely elected President she becomes the subject of a manhunt headed by her boss Alan Stewart(Jeff Goldblum) who hopes to cover it all up. Eleanor tediously chases down Dobbs to inform him of the glitch while Alan chases down Eleanor to prevent her from doing so. The result is an odd thriller peppered uncomfortably with bits of radical comedy courtesy of Williams' wacky President elect that only seemed to be missing cartoon sound effects and faulty Acme gadgets.

If you can imagine an orgy of film genres in which the insecure plot has difficulty deciding who it wants to get it on with next then you have Man of the Year pretty much pinned down (pun intended). On a scale of Bust to Jive, this film is considerably Less Than Jake. Wait for the network television broadcast on a rainy sunday afternoon when every book in your house is lent out and your DVD player is broken.

I Dabble In Advertising Again

There's lots of money in advertising. Take the new milk ads for instance. You might ask why milk would need to be advertised in the first place since practicaly everyone drinks it anyhow, but that's why you're not in advertising.
If you were you'd know that;
A) Vegans don't drink milk.
B) 96.4% of vegans are rappers.
So once the niche market is discovered, what better way to tackle it than with rapping farmers. It's really just simple advertisonomics. In light of my new found powers of figure-outability I've decided to leave the lucrative world of grass cutting behind in favour of something that better utilises my talents. Here are a few ideas for ads and products I've been kicking around the office.

-Product: Adult Diapers

Ad: Many youth challenged individuals, though their arteries are slowly deteriorating, like to think of themselves as young at heart. I suggest a television ad featuring a tatooed old man in an adult diaper sky-diving on a skateboard while playing some kick-ass electric guitar. Also, he says "Wazzup!" and is on fire.

-Product: A cellphone with a built in land-line phone and airbag

Ad: Have you ever been at home, heard the phone ring and not know if it's your cell or your home phone? Not anymore. It has an airbag too. Also, this ad features dancing people and cool techno music that sounds like robots having sex...in the future!!!

-Product: A New Hollywood Movie

Pitch: The internet turns into a vampire and joins with a mutant superhero team that travels back in time and wages giant battles in a land of dragons and wizards. Directed by Jesus! (Mel Gibson, second choice)

-Product: Scat Porn for the whole family

Ad: A work in progress, preferably something involving a korean animated mascot.

-Product: Disney merchandise

Ad: Mickey rounds up Chinese kids at DisneyWorld and they all sail away on Captain Hook's magical flying pirate ship to the Disney merch factory. There the kids get to play with sewing machines and soldering equipment all day and night. Hooray! The merchandise is then carried to North America by an all new Disney character; a giant animated smile named Happy Facial Expressiony, and dropped on all the suburban children. Also, Happy Facial Expressiony Vs. The Evil Unions, straight to DVD movie tie-in.

-Product: The Freedom Tickler

Ad: Like the French Tickler sex toy, but more patriotic. The ad features Toby Keith singing "I just American't let you go unsatisfied, my love." Also, apple pie.