Old News, But Good News About What God Is Doing Today
"This is not a war against Islam." - George W. Bush
I don't care much for Islam. That being said I don't care much for Christianity or Judaism either. They are blockades preventing us from traveling down the road of Scientology, paved by our one true prophet and kickass sci-fi novelist, L. Ron Hubbard. Just kidding. Fact is I don't care for organised religion at all. So, needless to say, I'm not entirely pleased to have been thrust smack in the middle of a war of faiths the rational equivalent of which would resemble children fighting over the ethnicity of the tooth fairy. Since the beginning of this war of wizards the US president has reassured the world on several occasions that the conflict is not motivated by religion, but rather a battle for freedom. Well, this morning I was reminded of something I'd heard a couple years past regarding the "news" organisation that had been contracted to support and co-create the muslim world's first American based television and radio news stations in Iraq. The organisation's name is The Grace News Network and it is headed by a man named Thorne G. Auchter. Sounds fair, but the Grace News Network's mission statement, I shit you not, is this: "To change the news to reflect the Kingdom of God and his purposes and to proclaim the good news about what God is doing today." So, these are the cats contracted to give a Muslim nation it's news, by order of the United States government who, as we all know, simply want to "free" the world.
Here's a link to an old Alternet article from May, 2003 in regards to the story above. Though it is old news, I'm sure most of you can agree that it's still entirely relevant given the continuing violence.
In relation to this I'm curious as to how the Grace New Network and Thorne Auchter contact their news source. I've sent a letter to Mr. Auchter, but as per usual I don't expect a response.
Dear Mr. Auchter,
I'd like to thank you for bringing us all the good lord's news. Prior to your network's establishment I was a Chaplain in the First Church of Jew Baby Eaters, New York, 5th district and I'll save you the details, but my practices weren't entirely what I'd now consider morally sound. However, thanks to your acting as a satellite beacon to God and bringing us his news daily, I've been able to find my true calling as an investigative journalist. Though I'm actively pursuing this new carreer, I find that my sources are somewhat limited to, you know, the Bible and my latest story on the unicorns' denial of passage on Noah's Ark finds me stuck at a factual roadblock. I know that journalistic integrity prevents those like you and I from revealing our sources, but I'd figured since you've already widely announced your source as being God you could provide me with his number that I might be able to put the confusion to rest once and for all. My investigation has thus far lead me to believe that the unicorns' phallus shaped horns were a constant reminder to Noah of what he believed to be his failing as a man, driving him nearly to madness and causing him to take vengeance on the fair creatures by denying them their place on the Ark. I've numerous evidence to support this claim, but without a reliable source to confirm it I'm afraid the theory might not be taken seriously. Noah has neglected to return my calls. Your support in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Thanking you in advance,
Kevin N. Burke
P.S. I've a pretty good long distance plan through Sprint, but it mainly covers calls within North America. Should you decide to take me up on my offer could you perhaps give me an approximate idea of what I'd be looking at in terms of charges for, let's say, a five minute call to Heaven? This job doesn't pay much.
I don't care much for Islam. That being said I don't care much for Christianity or Judaism either. They are blockades preventing us from traveling down the road of Scientology, paved by our one true prophet and kickass sci-fi novelist, L. Ron Hubbard. Just kidding. Fact is I don't care for organised religion at all. So, needless to say, I'm not entirely pleased to have been thrust smack in the middle of a war of faiths the rational equivalent of which would resemble children fighting over the ethnicity of the tooth fairy. Since the beginning of this war of wizards the US president has reassured the world on several occasions that the conflict is not motivated by religion, but rather a battle for freedom. Well, this morning I was reminded of something I'd heard a couple years past regarding the "news" organisation that had been contracted to support and co-create the muslim world's first American based television and radio news stations in Iraq. The organisation's name is The Grace News Network and it is headed by a man named Thorne G. Auchter. Sounds fair, but the Grace News Network's mission statement, I shit you not, is this: "To change the news to reflect the Kingdom of God and his purposes and to proclaim the good news about what God is doing today." So, these are the cats contracted to give a Muslim nation it's news, by order of the United States government who, as we all know, simply want to "free" the world.
Here's a link to an old Alternet article from May, 2003 in regards to the story above. Though it is old news, I'm sure most of you can agree that it's still entirely relevant given the continuing violence.
In relation to this I'm curious as to how the Grace New Network and Thorne Auchter contact their news source. I've sent a letter to Mr. Auchter, but as per usual I don't expect a response.
Dear Mr. Auchter,
I'd like to thank you for bringing us all the good lord's news. Prior to your network's establishment I was a Chaplain in the First Church of Jew Baby Eaters, New York, 5th district and I'll save you the details, but my practices weren't entirely what I'd now consider morally sound. However, thanks to your acting as a satellite beacon to God and bringing us his news daily, I've been able to find my true calling as an investigative journalist. Though I'm actively pursuing this new carreer, I find that my sources are somewhat limited to, you know, the Bible and my latest story on the unicorns' denial of passage on Noah's Ark finds me stuck at a factual roadblock. I know that journalistic integrity prevents those like you and I from revealing our sources, but I'd figured since you've already widely announced your source as being God you could provide me with his number that I might be able to put the confusion to rest once and for all. My investigation has thus far lead me to believe that the unicorns' phallus shaped horns were a constant reminder to Noah of what he believed to be his failing as a man, driving him nearly to madness and causing him to take vengeance on the fair creatures by denying them their place on the Ark. I've numerous evidence to support this claim, but without a reliable source to confirm it I'm afraid the theory might not be taken seriously. Noah has neglected to return my calls. Your support in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Thanking you in advance,
Kevin N. Burke
P.S. I've a pretty good long distance plan through Sprint, but it mainly covers calls within North America. Should you decide to take me up on my offer could you perhaps give me an approximate idea of what I'd be looking at in terms of charges for, let's say, a five minute call to Heaven? This job doesn't pay much.
posted by Hooligan at 7:41 PM
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