Make Your Hip Hipper (Of Advertising And The Eternal Struggle For More Cool)
Dear Advertising Types,
Hey. Guess what's not cool? Yogurt. Ever. I don't care if it's in a fucking tube or an easy to go container, if it has a rainbow swirl of x-treme colours or if it glows in the fucking dark. Yogurt = Not Cool, and I think we can all agree on that. It tastes good, granted. It's also good for you as far as snack food goes. It serves it's purpose and that's about it. Yogurt however, seems to one of the many uncool things that are currently being hippified by you marketing clowns who cry yourselves to sleep at night because you simply aren't creative enough to land the big contracts and get stuck with shitty products like, well, yogurt to sell. What's with this pathetic attempt to make everything newer and cooler and faster and smaller and sexier? Like some kid who spends his days in the skate park and his nights drinking with his friends at bush parties, trying his ass off to get laid before he turns 16 is going to see the new fuckin' go-gurt ad and say "Shit. That's what I'm missing. Yogurt! How could I have been so stupid? I'm sure to get some pussy with that cool, easy to carry tube of wholesomeness." You're insulting young people's intelligence with these ads. Stop it. Sell things for what they are. Never have I or anyone I know sat in admiration of the first kid on the block to get the newest yogurt. Same goes for milk. We like fucking milk OK. We get it, it's good for our bones and Posilac production hormones aren't allowed to be used on Canadian dairy cows, sweet. We drink it. But if I see one more fucking rapping farmer commercial I'm going to boycott the shit just out of spite and take calcium supplements for the rest of my life, which incidentaly may be very short if the ads continue. Who are you selling to? The only people I know of who never buy milk are individuals who are lactose intolerant and I don't think you're gonna hook that niche market anytime soon. Also, it hasn't become cooler. It's the same milk it was when my grandfather was drinking it. Isn't it? Have the cows gotten cooler? Are they throwing barnyard bovine orgies and listening to the newest, kick ass rock music like Good Charlotte (pure sarcasm)? Seriously, it's pathetic. You're making asses out of yourselves. What's next, the newest, coolest, hippest hip replacements for the young at heart geriatrics? You could have some 90 year old in an adult diaper with a mowhawk painted on his bald head playing guitar on a skateboard while sky diving from 30,000 feet in the ad. Fuckin' x-treme hip replacements, man! The wave of the future. They could have a built in iPod with pre-programmed Il Divo tracks and maybe some Rod Stewart just like the young'uns listen to. Fuck off already. Some things aren't meant to be cool. Infact, certain things need to be uncool in order for us to define cool. It doesn't mean we won't buy them, it just means that we aren't going to buy them based on their ability to make us masters of trend setting. Leave cool to the experts. The tobacco companies.
Kevin N. Burke
Hey. Guess what's not cool? Yogurt. Ever. I don't care if it's in a fucking tube or an easy to go container, if it has a rainbow swirl of x-treme colours or if it glows in the fucking dark. Yogurt = Not Cool, and I think we can all agree on that. It tastes good, granted. It's also good for you as far as snack food goes. It serves it's purpose and that's about it. Yogurt however, seems to one of the many uncool things that are currently being hippified by you marketing clowns who cry yourselves to sleep at night because you simply aren't creative enough to land the big contracts and get stuck with shitty products like, well, yogurt to sell. What's with this pathetic attempt to make everything newer and cooler and faster and smaller and sexier? Like some kid who spends his days in the skate park and his nights drinking with his friends at bush parties, trying his ass off to get laid before he turns 16 is going to see the new fuckin' go-gurt ad and say "Shit. That's what I'm missing. Yogurt! How could I have been so stupid? I'm sure to get some pussy with that cool, easy to carry tube of wholesomeness." You're insulting young people's intelligence with these ads. Stop it. Sell things for what they are. Never have I or anyone I know sat in admiration of the first kid on the block to get the newest yogurt. Same goes for milk. We like fucking milk OK. We get it, it's good for our bones and Posilac production hormones aren't allowed to be used on Canadian dairy cows, sweet. We drink it. But if I see one more fucking rapping farmer commercial I'm going to boycott the shit just out of spite and take calcium supplements for the rest of my life, which incidentaly may be very short if the ads continue. Who are you selling to? The only people I know of who never buy milk are individuals who are lactose intolerant and I don't think you're gonna hook that niche market anytime soon. Also, it hasn't become cooler. It's the same milk it was when my grandfather was drinking it. Isn't it? Have the cows gotten cooler? Are they throwing barnyard bovine orgies and listening to the newest, kick ass rock music like Good Charlotte (pure sarcasm)? Seriously, it's pathetic. You're making asses out of yourselves. What's next, the newest, coolest, hippest hip replacements for the young at heart geriatrics? You could have some 90 year old in an adult diaper with a mowhawk painted on his bald head playing guitar on a skateboard while sky diving from 30,000 feet in the ad. Fuckin' x-treme hip replacements, man! The wave of the future. They could have a built in iPod with pre-programmed Il Divo tracks and maybe some Rod Stewart just like the young'uns listen to. Fuck off already. Some things aren't meant to be cool. Infact, certain things need to be uncool in order for us to define cool. It doesn't mean we won't buy them, it just means that we aren't going to buy them based on their ability to make us masters of trend setting. Leave cool to the experts. The tobacco companies.
Kevin N. Burke
posted by Hooligan at 9:47 PM
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