Half French, Leo Vampires Do It In The Kitchen (and Other Cool T-Shirt Ideas)

A little rant today followed by a short letter that's sure to prove my insensitivity in the eyes of those who aren't yet praying for my hethen soul. Whatever. If you don't get it, you're in the wrong place. I've just returned home by train from Toronto following a night of drunken belligerance, a good portion of which was spent half-assing basic instincts on my friend's kitchen floor with a lovely half-french woman who bore a striking resemblance to Bettie Paige, shared my astrological sign and had an affinity for bitting. All of this was pretty sexy after twelve beers and a mickey of Jameson's Irish Whiskey, but painful when I awoke to bruises, scratches, bite marks and my worst hangover in recent memory. Aggressiveness is acceptable, as a matter of fact in many cases it's more than welcome, but my body's constellatory pattern of scars would suggest outright violence. Which brings me to the subject of today's letter; Violence in the Middle East. I don't take sides. That is to say that I take the side of rationality, which in this case disallows me from standing with either Israel or Hezbollah/Lebanon as both have cast rational thought aside in favor of 500lb. laser guided missles, some of which are innacurate enough to "accidentaly" level a well marked U.N. post containing four observers it would seem. The violence is violence as far as I'm concerned. I'm uninterested in who started it, less so in who's commiting more of it than the other. One thing that strikes me as completely odd, however, has always been our seeming inability to learn empathy from our past sufferings. For example, I won't be hardcore bitting anyone in a drunken stupor anytime in the forseeable future because I now know that it hurts like a bitch. Wouldn't it be nice if much of the world could learn from their past pains enough to not want to wish it onto others?;



Dear Prime Minister Olmert,

In light of your people's escalating discomfort and continuing conflict with the Muslims, we at the newly formed Department of Foreign Land Security have been working around the clock in an attempt to find a solution to what we see as a possible, short term economic inconvenience to America. The thing is, missles aren't cheap to produce and, let's face it, thus far we've been cutting you a pretty good deal. The serfs, or "general public" if you want to get all P.C. about it, are becoming all antsy in the pantsy about us supplying you with arms. Though we're not accustomed to paying attention to their feeble cries, there is, as you know, a mid-term election coming up this November. After evaluating our situation it seemed as though we were going to have to increase the price of arms sold to your nation, fortunatly one of our interns came up with an alternative which we've dubbed "The bleached camel project". Based on our Guantanamo Bay research facility and Black Prisons in Iraq, we've developed a way for you to subdue your enemies with fewer arms. After studying FOX News, our primary source of intelligence, Chucky (our intern) was able to determine that the source of the Muslim people's fury is not years of mistreatment, nor religious in nature, nor territorial. It is infact derrived from frustration caused by their inability to concentrate on peace. It seems as though all Middle-Eastern Muslims simply suffer from CDD, or Concentration Deficit Disorder. As such, we've taken the liberty of drawing up blueprints for a number of compounds that can be cheaply operated by your military within the Middle-East. Once rounded up and placed into these compounds, the Muslims will be treated to a variety of fun activities that will help them learn to concentrate. Think of it as a kind of summer camp for concentration. What you decide to call these compounds is up to you.


Dr. Kevin N. Strangelove
Department of Foreign Land Security







Yeah, that's right, I fucking went there. If you want happy laughs I'm sure Carrot Top has a blog you can visit somewhere.