Kill Bill: An Embryo Kissing Presidential Photo-Op

It's been an interesting week in the news. Still no word about ChoicePoint, but lots of World War III fear mongering from the shit shoveling business suit and hair transplant models that strut the terror catwalk at network news stations. "It's the beginning of World War III", "Could Hezbollah attack America? Your family may be at risk.", "Are there terrorist training camps on the moon?", "Does your significant other, under secret orders from Osama Bin Laden, cover their genitals in antrax before sex in an attempt to kill you? Tune in to Anderson Cooper 360 at 8pm when he interviews fundamentalist Islamic porn stars about the potential threat." So, needless to say, like any other sane human I'm hiding in a bunker underneath my house eating cheetos and waiting for Jesus to descend on a chariot made of oil and money and start the judgement. Suddenly, between assurances of armaggedon, I'm treated to the latest little piece of foolishness in the War on Rationality. It seems that Mr. Bush, in an attempt to further make his religious insanity a concrete part of American life, has used his presidential veto for the first time to kill a bill allowing federal spending on embryotic stem cell research. He was quoted as saying;

"It's the taking of innocent human life in the hope of finding medical benefits for others. It crosses a real moral boundary that our society needs to respect."

and following the taking of a couple cute photos kissing babies and hanging out with children he finished with;

"These boys and girls are not spare parts."

Embryos are human life? According to this hardcore Christian dude that I work with, "a living thing" is considered by some to be anything that might someday be able to live autonomously without the aide of a host (parasites like viruses and such don't count). I'm going to assume that this is what Bush believes as well and that this is what leads him to consider an embryo "human life". He just seems to prefer kissing babies I guess since I didn't see any photos of him laying a wet one on an embryo (it seems to me that it would have been more appropriate).

Anyhow, I began thinking about my semen (that's a lot harder to type when it's the truth) and came to the conclusion that by Bush and Craig's (the kid at work) definition, my scrotal swim team, since they could potentialy, one day, go on to live without a host, are all individualy to be considered human life forms. I'm a fucking mass murderer and it's time to confess my sins.




Dear President Bush,

I understand that you are a very busy man and that you probably recieve enormous amounts of fan mail. It would be impossible, I imagine, to answer every letter and there are many that you must surely cast aside for lack of time. Regardless of this fact I've decided to write you and, though it may prove to be an exercise in futility, I hope that you'll be able to help.

Being a good Christian is not an easy task, as you well know. Temptation is everywhere and it seems as though new threats to our moral way of life present themselves constantly. Whether they be in the form of muslims, arabs, middle-easterners, islamists, muslims, arabs, or tan skinned people from sand-land, they are all over, plotting our extermination with weapons of mass destruction every second of every minute of every hour of every day of the year. In this time of great conflict, with the battle of good versus evil raging, it becomes easy to accidentaly overlook some of God's lesser rules.

Following the church's doctrine closely I've always understood that condoms are not to be used as they are opposed by God. Now, my girlfriend Christine Barrett, who shall remain nameless, was also of this understanding when we first met at Sunday school. The problem was that we certainly didn't want to have children out of wedlock, so what were we to do? I immediately came up with a solution and moral compromise to our conundrum: "I can't get her face pregnant" I thought to myself, and so it went.

All was well until yesterday when you stated that embryos were innocent human lives. If it is true of embryos then it must also be true of semen. It donned on me soon after this revelation that this would mean their extermination to be an act of murder. Oh, Mr. President, I'm terrified that I may be going to hell and I'm almost positive that my girlfriend is. I mean, if extinguishing the life of seed is murder then her hair is a mass grave. Seriously, you have no idea what we've done. I'm freaking out. I love her so much, but she must've swallowed entire nations. Over lonely nights I, myself am sure to have flushed and drowned generations after suffocating them with kleenex. We've commited genocide President Bush. Genocide. I can hear their screams in my sleep. Well, not so much screams, but like the squishy sounding equivalent of what screams would be to sperm. It's horrible. Do you know what that feels like? To know that a wealth of innocent human lives have been terminated because of your actions? Ofcourse you don't. Look who I'm asking.

Please President Bush, I beg of you. As Earth's ambassador to Heaven could you forgive mine and Christine's sins? Could you ask God to pardon us. We make the promise in return of no more heinous 69's after Sunday masses, no more murderous pearl necklaces, not one criminal fithly Sanchez more (not sure if this applies, but better safe than sorry) for the rest of eternity. Please save our souls President Bush.

The Butcher Bad-Dad,
Kevin Burke