Harry Potter and The Ku Klux Katastrophe
Another letter. I haven't been able to stop writing lately. Either things just keep popping into my head or the planet is ripe with lunatics. I'm leaning toward the latter theory. My favorite idiocy peddlers though, I have to admit, have always been racists. I love the little bastards. They're so easy. They seem to just toss the gag ball to you, right over the plate, and all you've got to do is bat it out of the park or bunt it (if you want to be a critical dick about it). So today we'll be tackling our friends in the Ku Klux Klan and our own down home, Canadian racists of the Canadian Heritage Alliance with one brief swing. Everyone knows the clowns who call themselves the KKK, but to fill in those unfamiliar with the Heritage Alliance (just brought to my attention last year) they're pretty much the canuck equivalent. A group of inbred, toothless, white folks who believe that inter-racial relationships are an atrocity, minorities are trying to con the oppressed white man, etc. For more info you can visit their site at http://www.canadianheritagealliance.com (sorry, links still aren't working).
Anyway, the head of the KKK is known commonly as the Grand Wizard. I shit you not. The Grand Fucking Wizard is the official title of the man the KKK take most seriously. I find this to be absolutely hilarious as it leads me to believe that the racist world must be one of magic and wonder that all of us rational humans are missing out on, though last time I checked, Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry taught little about white supremacy. As if this isn't funny enough, following a trail through the KKK website, www.kkk.com (I know, I didn't think it'd be that easy either), I found that the official e-mail contact address is Asktheknights@hotmail.com. So between the Knights and the Grand Wizard we have a regular Round Table of racist ignorance. So I figured I'd write a letter appealing to them as a member of the Canadian Heritage Alliance, because there's a problem in Biggotry-Land and only the Wizard can save us.
ATTN: Ku Klux Klan, A Matter of Great Urgency
Salutations White Brothers,
I'm appealing to you from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada in hopes that you may, god willing, be able to aid us in a matter that might very well affect the world as we know it. I'm a proud knight in the Canadian Heritage Alliance, sworn to protect the white brotherhood from the forces of evil that threaten to consume this world, but alas, a recent discovery leads me to believe that our time may be shorter than we had originaly believed. I can only hope that this letter reaches you in time. Some weeks ago one of our squires was dispatched to Calgary where we had recieved information that groups of Negroes were mysteriously congregating there. The news with which he returned chilled us to the bone. It seems, my brothers, that the blacks have found the fourth crystal of Karnaak. The knights charged with protecting the sacred stone fought bravely, but unfortunately their efforts were in vain. My clan and I gathered swiftly upon hearing this ill news and intercepted the convoy of tricked out Cadillacs on the Trans Canada Highway in Saskatchewan and there we fought a great battle on the prairie plains. My sword fighting with the spirit of the great prophet Gremlok himself, I slayed eleven men. It was hardly enough however, as we were outnumbered ten to one. Our leader Sam, The Supreme Almighty Magician, made an attempt to cast the Spell of the Demons Tongue on the enemy hordes, but was struck from behind and, though he fought galantly, was taken prisoner. Hundreds more of our knights perished that day on the battlefield. The negroes escaped with the crystal, but fortunately, all was not lost as we had taken a prisoner of our own. For two weeks we've been squeezing him for information, forcing him to listen to Rod Stewart and watch The O'Reilly Factor, but his will was strong. Today we brought Ann Coulter's new book into his cell and he finaly broke, but the information we recieved, I'll warn you, is hardly comforting. According to our prisoner, not only have the blacks learned the location of the fifth and final Karnaak crystal, but they've made plans to ally themselves with the Jews. This alliance must be prevented. With the Negroes' X-Ray vision and the Jews' powers of levitation their combining factions would spell certain doom for us. The prophecy of the great Gremlok is finaly upon us, though admittedly, sooner than we had all hoped. What remains of our knights will be congregating at our normal meeting place (Jimmy's Waffle Hut on Strumling Rd., make a left off of Highway 35 when you see the giant corn ear thingy with the fading paint) this coming thursday and it is of the utmost importance that the Grand Wizard be present. He is our only hope.
Yours in skin pigment,
Sean Burke,
Ranking Knight of the Canadian Heritage Alliance
P.S. This thursday is also our annual bake sale so feel free to bring whatever sort of goodies you'd like with the exception of rice krispies squares (Tom makes them every year and he gets a little irked when people try to compete with him).
Anyway, the head of the KKK is known commonly as the Grand Wizard. I shit you not. The Grand Fucking Wizard is the official title of the man the KKK take most seriously. I find this to be absolutely hilarious as it leads me to believe that the racist world must be one of magic and wonder that all of us rational humans are missing out on, though last time I checked, Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry taught little about white supremacy. As if this isn't funny enough, following a trail through the KKK website, www.kkk.com (I know, I didn't think it'd be that easy either), I found that the official e-mail contact address is Asktheknights@hotmail.com. So between the Knights and the Grand Wizard we have a regular Round Table of racist ignorance. So I figured I'd write a letter appealing to them as a member of the Canadian Heritage Alliance, because there's a problem in Biggotry-Land and only the Wizard can save us.
ATTN: Ku Klux Klan, A Matter of Great Urgency
Salutations White Brothers,
I'm appealing to you from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada in hopes that you may, god willing, be able to aid us in a matter that might very well affect the world as we know it. I'm a proud knight in the Canadian Heritage Alliance, sworn to protect the white brotherhood from the forces of evil that threaten to consume this world, but alas, a recent discovery leads me to believe that our time may be shorter than we had originaly believed. I can only hope that this letter reaches you in time. Some weeks ago one of our squires was dispatched to Calgary where we had recieved information that groups of Negroes were mysteriously congregating there. The news with which he returned chilled us to the bone. It seems, my brothers, that the blacks have found the fourth crystal of Karnaak. The knights charged with protecting the sacred stone fought bravely, but unfortunately their efforts were in vain. My clan and I gathered swiftly upon hearing this ill news and intercepted the convoy of tricked out Cadillacs on the Trans Canada Highway in Saskatchewan and there we fought a great battle on the prairie plains. My sword fighting with the spirit of the great prophet Gremlok himself, I slayed eleven men. It was hardly enough however, as we were outnumbered ten to one. Our leader Sam, The Supreme Almighty Magician, made an attempt to cast the Spell of the Demons Tongue on the enemy hordes, but was struck from behind and, though he fought galantly, was taken prisoner. Hundreds more of our knights perished that day on the battlefield. The negroes escaped with the crystal, but fortunately, all was not lost as we had taken a prisoner of our own. For two weeks we've been squeezing him for information, forcing him to listen to Rod Stewart and watch The O'Reilly Factor, but his will was strong. Today we brought Ann Coulter's new book into his cell and he finaly broke, but the information we recieved, I'll warn you, is hardly comforting. According to our prisoner, not only have the blacks learned the location of the fifth and final Karnaak crystal, but they've made plans to ally themselves with the Jews. This alliance must be prevented. With the Negroes' X-Ray vision and the Jews' powers of levitation their combining factions would spell certain doom for us. The prophecy of the great Gremlok is finaly upon us, though admittedly, sooner than we had all hoped. What remains of our knights will be congregating at our normal meeting place (Jimmy's Waffle Hut on Strumling Rd., make a left off of Highway 35 when you see the giant corn ear thingy with the fading paint) this coming thursday and it is of the utmost importance that the Grand Wizard be present. He is our only hope.
Yours in skin pigment,
Sean Burke,
Ranking Knight of the Canadian Heritage Alliance
P.S. This thursday is also our annual bake sale so feel free to bring whatever sort of goodies you'd like with the exception of rice krispies squares (Tom makes them every year and he gets a little irked when people try to compete with him).
posted by Hooligan at 8:13 PM
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